The Jokers

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Comment by LoVE on March 10, 2009 at 11:39pm

In a SANITARIUM, a Doctor gathered all his patients in one room. Then he drawed a big door on a blackboard.

Doctor: Whoever goes out of this door first will, go out of this hospital..

So all his patient, try to out-run reach other, then the doctor noticed, one patient, he just watched the others and laughing.

The doctor was so happy, to see that patient..he's improving...he is getting well..the Doctor approached the patient to talk to him.

Doctor: Why did you not try to out-run them, so you can go out of this hospital?

Patient; Look at them ( still laughing).

Doctor: why are you laughing?

Patient: Doc, they are all crazy..

Doctor: Why do you think they are all crazy?

Patient: They are crazy because how could they go out of that door?
they cannot even open the door.

Doctor: and why did you say that?

Patient: Hahaha, because I got the Key to that door.

Comment by LoVE on March 7, 2009 at 1:23pm

The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf .. again !"

------------ -------

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"
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The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must! be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
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The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door."Hurry, " she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
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The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
------------ -------

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Comment by LoVE on December 2, 2008 at 6:43pm

What is the difference between men and women?



1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.

6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.

Comment by LoVE on October 13, 2008 at 12:09am

BE STRONG HONEY......

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. "I love you, too!"

Comment by LoVE on October 12, 2008 at 11:51pm

BE CAREFUL WITH WHAT YOU WISH FOR!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the
waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Comment by LoVE on September 30, 2008 at 9:33pm

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want then, when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
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Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
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Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
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It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives.
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If u r married please ignore this msg,
for everyone else: Happy Independence Day
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Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.
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There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
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Girlfriends r like chocolates,
taste good anytime.
Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands r like Dal RICE, eaten when there's no choice.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---

There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.
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Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!
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Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice

Comment by LoVE on September 15, 2008 at 8:20am

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
-----x-----
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
-----x-----
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
-----x-----
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
-----x-----
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
-----x-----
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized
-----x-----
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
-----x-----
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
-----x-----
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
-----x-----

Comment by LoVE on September 7, 2008 at 6:37am

A man went to church, to talk and confess to a priest, about all that is happening to his family.

Man: Bless me Father, because my son is a pusher and an addict, my daughter is a full time prostitute, and my wife is a social climber and professional gambler..

Priest: Son, is there anything that is Positive, happening in your life?

Man: Yes, Father there is this one thing, that I know of..and I am 100% sure of it.

Father: Tell me son, What made you think , that thing in your life is 100% Positive?

Man: Yes Father, I am sure of it 'coz I am now an HIV "Positive"..

Comment by LoVE on September 7, 2008 at 6:23am

A married couple died in a car accident.. In heaven the Wife sees her Husband with another woman...

Wife: What are you doing with another woman?

Husband: You forgot? Our marriage was only "Till Death
Do Us Part...." and I am "FREE".

Comment by LoVE on September 7, 2008 at 6:03am

It is a scientific fact that one out of 3 people is ugly..If you will just look to the person to your right, then look at the person to your left.. if in your eyes they are both looking perfectly good and beautiful, you better think..'coz it proved and only meant one thing....you're in "BIG" trouble...

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